I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you traded sex for a burrito?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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