good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
