I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
40s are totally the cure
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
