she woke up with a sticky ear
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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