Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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