Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
