I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
