Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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