I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He kissed a someone with a penis
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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