just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
