Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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