Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
