I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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