I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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