I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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