went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
