An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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