i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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