apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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