Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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