I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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