Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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