3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
wow bdsm is so cute
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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