2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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