It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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