i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
