She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
