You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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