how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
