Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
