How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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