i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
