we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
