If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
