I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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