Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
