drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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