you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
