peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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