4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
