You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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