I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They took my balls.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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