you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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