I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Randomize
