NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
