The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
