this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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