I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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