I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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