My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
