haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Non-Jews are for practice
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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