you traded sex for a burrito?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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