You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
