I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
