I could make wine with my vomit
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
