I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
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I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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