my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
