I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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