I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
