she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
