do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
