i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
