Come see our sink grown plant.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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